— B. Gilbertson describes his personal style in three words, 1.5.23
“When you see someone snailing up the pole...”
— A. Horner, 1.5.23
“If a worm posted an IG pic it would get more than 1 like.”
— B. Ruiz, 1.6.23
“Ohh! I get it. You’re sharing news about people on the internet.”
— K. Brady to R. Armstrong, discussing Jenna Marbles’ dogs, 1.6.23
“They shot me in the leg and told me to run.”
— E. Lindeman after being asked to redo SOWs under a deadline, 1.12.23
“She’s like if Lisa Frank went to the Ren Fest.”
— V. Kraus, 1.15.23
“She was like, ‘How did you spell gesundheit?’ and I said, ‘Kazontight. K-A-Z-O-O-N-T-I-T-E.’”
— S. Cyr, 1.15.23
“A nice sip off the summer lawnmower.”
— K. Savela describes the taste of a THC seltzer, 1.20.23
“You give me an ear and I will talk.”
— A. Winchester, 1.23.23
“Raisins don’t belong in anything except raisins.”
— M. Dahl, 1.31.23
“OK, ‘Mormanism’? Why not mor-WOMAN-ism.”
— J. Lawson, 2.1.23
“It’s the only thing I have in common with the pioneers of the Old West.”
— D. Weaver on second sleeps, 2.2.23
“So I’ve thought about this a lot. I love pigeons.”
— M. Dahl, 2.6.23 on his self-appointed patronus
“You need to have had a baby already to be a surrogate. Or to be a paid surrogate. That’s what craigslist says.”
— G. Johnsen, 2.11.23
“This is what happens when you get a bunch of smarty smarts together: World-class banter, but no snacks.”
— D. Cass laments a lack of Girl Scout cookie solicitation at the office, 2.23.23
“I mean, I do have a really low bar. If anyone wants to rub oil on me...”
— C. Parker, 2.25.23
“‘Cro Magnum’?” “I thought it was like... ‘Magnum. Cro Magnum.’”
— A. Horner and R. Armstrong have an epiphany about mispronouncing 'Cro-Magnon', 2.25.23
“He would make the same face if he were peeing into his own mouth. ”
— C. Parker remarks on the facial expression of a jazz musician, 2.25.23
“I think it’s more sinister than that.”
— N. Brady, 2.25.23
“I mean, we’ve talked about the fact that if you name a bourgeois white person sport, I’ve probably done it, right?”
— B. Gilbertson, 3.3.23
“It’s approachable mint. Mint for the masses.”
— M. Treptow, 3.14.23
“If they’re nurturing bears of the future, don’t shoot.”
— K. Savela's stance on hunting bears, 3.18.23
“You only get one set of skin. If you want to be a wrinkle bag one day, go wild.”
— K. Savela, 3.18.23
“What is this we’re listening to? Pink Panther playlist??”
— M. Treptow reacts to a jazz playlist, 3.23.23
“She was like, ‘I’m an Aries-Capricorn-Scorpio. You gotta know your natal chart. When you were born you tore your mom’s vagina.’ You don’t say that to someone on their birthday.”
— R. Prochnow on his birthday, 2.24.23
“That’s a crusty-ass thing to do.”
— G. Sinner, 3.29.23
“That’s what we do in this house. And by ‘in this house’ I mean up here (gestures to head).”
— R. Prochnow, 4.1.23
“I’m a sparent. Pull me outta the trunk when you need me.”
— C. Staples, 4.3.23
“He called and was like, ‘I don’t know if your sister’s OK right now.’ And I said, ‘No, she’s not, because she’s making out with a cop right now.’”
— B. Ruiz, 4.7.23
“Your nipples can’t be hard when we take the picture. That’s like smiling in a passport photo.”
— R. Armstrong, 4.8.23
“Mr. Freihammer’s 5th Grade class was stacked. There were so many popular kids.”
— N. Brady, 4.8.23
“Big Fish; Big Lebowski; The Big Short; A little esoteric for me. My main criticism of The Big Lebowski is Tim Burton’s influence on it.”
— V. Koci, 4.10.23
“OK, so she tells nerds what to do. There’s a lot of bank in that.”
— V. Richfield on C. Kaivo’s mom, a director of accounting, 4.11.23
“In this light I can see all the places I missed with the wax strips.” “In this light I can see all the places where I’m aging.”
— M. Augustin, T. Klotz, 4.14.23
“I call that private jazz.”
— C. Folstead, 4.19.23
“What is that? Dead pizza??”
— C. Folstead, 4.19.23
“That’s when NFTs were the digital Beanie Babies.”
— B. Becker, 4.21.23
“I’ve never been out of the country, except for Texas.”
— E. Csuy, 4.23.23
“I’ve really turned into a little Miss Stoney Baloney.”
— K. Teresi, 4.24.23
“Sometimes hands just look like chicken.”
— A. Seng searches stock images, 5.3.23
“You can change later. But, maybe wear underwear to church.”
— A. M. Augustin, 5.20.23
“Taut anuses are a sign of youth.”
— A. Jones, 6.11.23
“There aren’t any proper grief emojis.”
— T. Marks upon the passing of Cormac McCarthy, 6.14.23
“I have no feelings for France.”
— T. Harris, 6.14.23
“What’s this? Tastes like hummus and pâté had a baby.”
— G. Klawiter-Lein, 6.16.23
“I wasn’t gonna dance in wool.”
— K. Williams explains his wardrobe change between wedding ceremony and reception, 6.17.23
“I just think they were rough with my colon.”
— A. M. Augustin recounts her most recent colonoscopy, 6.23.23
“Al, I’m gonna pour your bottle into my bottle and throw your bottle on the lawn.”
— D. Augustin consolidates Korbel brandy, 7.2.23
“Ever since I was a kid, winking at people has been my fav thing.”
— B. Ruiz, 7.6.23
“I wasn’t in bodies. I was in heads, hands, and feet.”
— A. Mester on her former department as a costume technician, 7.7.23
“The Venn diagram of Jesus in porn is WIDE. Wide in the middle.”
— A. Mary, 7.7.23
“I am not a conspiracy theorist. I’m a wholesome alarmist.”
— G. Klawiter-Lein 7.9.23
“I do the dino run.” “Like, tiny arms?” “Yes but the big stomps.”
— V. Richfield, C. Kaivo, 7.13.23
“They’re salami-tarians.”
— A. Richey, 7.14.23
“Really?? Harvesting beaver anal glands is more expensive than making vanilla extract?”
— H. Daughhetee, 7.17.23
“Or ‘Dont yuck my yum,’ as they say. And I don’t know what that means. It sounds like something a toothless person eating a hot dog would say.”
— P. Shively, 7.26.23
“I found my Halloween costume. Banana hair is me. I am banana hair.”
— M. Wong, 8.4.23
“I’ve been enjoying a slow morning with Satan in the 3rd circle of hell, sharing the driest scone of a situation.”
— G. Parsons after his 4th laptop crash of the workday, 8.4.23
“She went to Julliard, and now she’s catching bananas out of vaginas.” “Show me on the banana.”
— N. Brady, R. Armstrong, 8.4.23
“Lighter skin, you’re in.”
— K. Brady on acceptable accents for white people to portray, 8.9.23
“I use her for shade.”
— G Parsons on men with taller partners, 8.11.23
“It’s easier if you don’t think of them as food, because they aren’t.”
— D. Kitzberger on savory granola bars, 8.13.23
“What about snackies?” “You and I can talk about snackies later.”
— H. Daughhetee and K. O’Reilly plan a party, 8.16.23
“He’s trying to sell pretend art.”
— K. Teresi on counterfeit art, 8.20.23
“The people on reddit and answers.com who leave reviews are the real heroes in our society.”
— G. Sinner, 8.25.23
“Is Skip responsible?” “Yeah, but not in an egg way.”
— M. Augustin, L. Dahlgren, on Home Ec. ‘Egg Baby’ Assignments, 8.31.23
“Does anyone have a dongle?” “I mean, I was born with a dongle…”
— A. Seng, A. Estrem, 9.8.23
“If it’s out of my reach, it lives.” “We had a ceiling spider in the living room that was too big to live. There’s still a brown stain on the ceiling from its lifeblood.”
— K. Brady, R. Armstrong, 9.13.23
“Everything covered in hooker juice.”
— R. Armstrong on Motel 6 accommodations, 9.15.23
“Barre is my fav but omg it kicks my unstretched fat goblin ass.”
— C. Levy, 9.20.23
“They call us half-baked. M…annie. Half-baked Mannie.”
— 9.27.23, A. Seng
“Even if you are introverted, in no world do you need to write three paragraphs.”
— A. Hickey unpacks an unsolicited and lengthy DM, 9.29.23
“You want the death soup.”
— T. Marks on assisted dying, 10.5.23
“Most masseuses think I’m a delicate creature. But in reality I just want you to use your elbow and destroy me.”
— A. Jones, 10.16.23
“Would you like some gently used syrup?”
— H. Daughhetee, 10.18.23
“I do see where you’re coming from but also I have mania like you’ve never seen.”
— G. Parsons, 10.24.23
“It’s like a medium rare cookie that doesn’t get you sick. And isn’t soup by any means.”
— G. Parsons on pizza bistro pizza cookie, 10.30.23
“That’s what Percocets at lunch will do to ya.”
— E. Schleicher, 11.5.23
“When selecting a gas station treat, my hands are always clasped in front of my chest like a timid rodent.”
— R. Armstrong, 10.31.23
“The literal inventor of WordPress is going to decide my fate.”
— R. Armstrong in final-round interviews, 11.8.23
“The birdhouses-for-books people.”
— C. Staples on Little Free Library, 11.10.23
“As a white person, I’m wary about wearing a pointed hat.”
— V. Kraus on felted sauna hats, 11.13.23
“But Phenom’s your baby.” “We left that baby at the bus stop.”
— M. Augustin, J. Larson, 11.13.23
“Hey Siri, what species is Donald Duck?”
— A. R. Augustin, 11.28.23
“I think my Aloe plant is a misogynist. It has slowly tried to die under my care for years. The second Andrew touches it? Flourishing.”
— K. Teresi, 12.4.23
“I don’t like it because it’s sweet, but I do like it because it’s beef.”
— C. Staples knuckles deep in a bag of beef jerky, 12.6.23
“The day’s a piece of shit already, so might as well hug the turd.”
— C. Staples, 12.7.23
“I’ve always been a white light snob, but something happened to me this year. I realized, ‘Kate, you’re living too safe.’”
— K. Savela on outdoor holiday string lights, 12.12.23
“Somebody ‘mischief managed’ that account.”
— P. Shively on bygone IG handles, 12.15.23
“Age is a number, but Botox is forever.” “Actually, it’s not. Botox only lasts a couple months.”
— M. Wong, B. Ruiz. 12.16.23
“Disassembled for the scrap heap of history.”
— P. Jones recounts the MeowWolf origin story, 12.20.23
“Not his first time flying but his first time as a *dog* dog.”
— T. Marks on taking a puppy graduate on an airplane, 12.21.23
“What was your weird teenage hobby?” “We just played in the dirt.”
— K. Savela, A. R. Augustin, 12.24.23
“Burn me and urn me.”
— J. Blumenberg, 12.26.23
“I like what you did there. It’s sweetly amateur. ”
