BEST OF 2017

Give ‘em the ol’ Rozzle Dozzle; Rozzle Dozzle ‘em.
K. Teresi, serenading Chicago to Roz
01.01.17

While driving young children, he’s hosting a game show.
V. Kraus, on distracted bus driver from her childhood
01.02.17

I’m so amused that our conversation has gone from: “Never gonna ride a school bus again” to: “Let’s get a party bus for whoever's birthday is next”.
S. Cyr, on school bus fatalities
01.02.17

That’s like having a horse and buggy on the highway.
V. Kraus, on rogue pedal pub sighted on I-35W onramp
01.02.17

They’re basically candles, is what they are.
H. Munro, on RoseArt crayons
01.03.17

Well, jeez! He should've known that would come up after he talked about giving piggybacks.
K. Battarbee, on daddy dom dude
01.03.17

I care more about my grass than what I put into my body.
R. Dupre, vehemently against chemical fertilizer lawn treatments
01.11.17

OUR Michael Jackson???
C. McNamara
01.12.17

Liver – of the chopped variety.
A. Horner
01.13.17

Guys, I gotta head home. I just got an email that my Linkedin premium account is suspended.
A. Horner
01.15.17

I wish I would have done choir instead of wasting my time on the french horn.
K. Teresi
01.15.17

One of my mom’s biggest regrets: Getting too drunk the night before my Arrow of Light ceremony.
E. Schleicher
01.17.17

I’ll come spread my jelly at your desk.
K. Teresi, preparing an english muffin
01.19.17

Don’t you think if your last name was Webster, and you had a daughter, you’d be dying to name her Miriam?
C. Mcnamara
01.19.17

Well keep it covered. Don't let anything hit it. Start shielding it by protruding the left side of your body more – to take the brunt of any physical contact and lessen any damage to the right. And for god's sake, get to a doctor.
B. Zimmerman
01.25.17

In this age of rampant consumerism, that is not a bad thing! A testament to the longevity of cotton!
K. Savela, on underwear still in rotation since the 9th grade
01.27.17

I’m the essence of intolerance when it comes to naked cats.
B. Zimmerman
02.01.17

I’m strictly looking at drunks per dollar here.
C. Worlow
02.09.17

If you whisper with a werewolf too long…
J. Becker
02.11.17

You know, I haven't managed to remember what torque means – but I HAVE managed to use it in a lot of sentences.
T. Klotz
02.11.17

He’s one of the weirdest guys I know, in one of the most normal casings of guys I know.
N. Christopulos
02.11.17

No; I think you get an old strip of cloth and still have to make the bread.
R. Dupre, on menstruation for the Amish
02.14.17

Chumbawumba is all I can play at the moment.
A. Horner, off the grid and without cell service
02.17.17

What – was she raised by midgets?
A. Augustin, on Roz
02.23.17

None of the above. I mean, sort of the first one because the main character is a cool black guy. Sort of the last one because it's rated R.
J. Toetschinger, clarifying whether Get Out constitutes as a hip-hop album, a Pixar movie, or an adult film
02.27.17

Yeah. I think we'll just go to the courthouse and maybe get married in India or have a big fiddle party in the grass fields.
T. Klotz
03.02.17

When you do a puzzle, do you feel like you’re in a waiting room for your own death?
D. Savela
03.03.17

This here is a trick muffin.
K. Teresi, attempting to reassemble a dismembered muffin top from its stump

It’s like we’re leading the blind by the blind here.
K. Savela, said unintentionally in the presence of a blind colleague
03.04.17

Dan: Damn. It must be hard for your people to eat chili.
Siddarth – napkin on forehead, shakes his head: We don't do it a lot.
03.04.17

Give me four iPhones and I’ll turn this place into a club no problem.
A. Horner
03.04.17

Shrine alert.
N. Augustin, assessing the decor of an AirBnb fireplace mantel
03.04.17

There’s not a lot of glamor to the otter except its swim.
K. Savela
03.05.17

It looks like the atmosphere of Venus.
N. Augustin, on the appearance of a pilsner
03.05.17

No, I do not want petals up my ass.
T. Silver
03.06.17

What? I wanna poo for money.
A. Horner
03.10.17

To human is error.
V. Johnson
03.14.17

I’m picturing a sewer rat wearing a retainer.
R. Dupre, on C. McNamara's kid's accidentally flushed retainer
03.17.17

I had to. To butter myself up.
A. Horner, on introducing himself to Larry Bird
03.18.17

Yes; that is a form of penis puppetry.
W. Caesar, on 'the bulldog' 
03.18.17

I have no interest selling sloths on the black market.
K. Battarbee
03.21.17

I’m cool with eating in bed, but I just know that my Dilly Bar skills in bed are diddly-squat.
K. Battarbee
03.21.17

When you come to my house, you guys are the lobsters and I'm just slowly turning up the heat.
P. Schaeffer, on mood music
03.25.17

Does Katie 2 know she’s Katie 2?
P. Schaeffer, on C. Worlow's love interests
03.25.17

I've never done smelt.
A. Horner
03.26.17

'Johnny Shoe Shine'? Nobody’s called me that in years.
J. Fontana
03.26.17

Spider farts.
H. Munro
03.29.17

The customer service. That’s what I love about Vegas.
M. Hubbard
04.04.17

I’m more of a 'set it and forget it' kind of girl.
K. Teresi, on birth control
04.08.17

We had this vacation bible school teacher who --- I think he was on peyote.
J. Horner, 
04.21.17

Actually, I would hate if I had a puppy belly. I’d HATE it.
K. Teresi
04.25.17

J. Becker: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: Are YOU thinking what I’m thinking?
J. Becker: Unplug Alexa.

It's an exciting time for my wardrobe.
A. Horner, commenting on the softness of a well-worn shirt
04.30.17

Me: Cinco de Mayo isn’t celebrated by Mexicans.
T. Leaf: But they sure put on the drink specials.
05.01.17

When the Tooth Fairy visited me as a child I got the JFK coin. And then I went to college and learned everyone else was getting Sacajaweas. That’s when I first learned of classism.
J. Wentz
05.02.17

He’s tall. Brown hair. Looks like a baby cow. Gentle.
K. Teresi
05.05.17

Eric Trump looks like a clone that was taken out of the tank too early.
A. Griendling
05.07.17

'Fucking' means dabbling.
M. Legan
05.12.17

When a guy jumps into water and describes it as “not that bad", it's the kiss of death.
K. Teresi
05.14.17

This is my first ranch-around.
S. Cyr
05.23.17

Ironing feels pretty medieval.
Y. Pietras
05.27.17

Yes! There’s a Jesus in every bathroom. There’s a Jesus in every room of the house.
C. Boyer, on the Boyer family residence
05.27.17

I'm a Lindsey trapped inside a Tobias.
J. Wentzell
05.29.17

I think dolphins have a 7th sense.
N. Mihalevich
06.02.17

I think I'm a millennial in disguise.
A. Augustin
06.06.17

It's fifty shades of brown in there.
T. Silver, describing her fixer-upper
06.07.17

I recently came into some chicken thighs.
A. Richie, on why he made tacos with chicken thighs instead of breasts
06.07.17

I go three years between a good mango.
D. Savela
06.17.17

‘Anja’?? No. It’s like ‘banjo’.
T. Klotz, expressing opinion on baby names
06.18.17

I think mine was McArthur? Jesse McArthur??
T. Klotz, accidentally combining Jesse McCartney and Aaron Carter
06.18.17

Propelling myself slowly through the pool using the force of my tears.
M. Hubbard
07.06.17

Let’s face it: push-up bras are not comfortable – and especially not when you’re kickin’ ass.
K. Peterson
07.06.17

Vacation braids.
S. Cyr, on hairstyle most commonly offered by beachside vendors
07.08.17

PetCO, where the pets die.
D. Kitzberger
07.16.17

We all know the old saying: The way to a man’s heart is through his groin.
C. McNamara, on the entry point for angioplasty
07.17.17

I have a shoot with General Mills next week and I'm worried they'll be like: "EAT GRANOLA AND SUGAR".
J. Becker, expressing keto diet concerns
07.18.17

Speaking of fancy bacteria – I got rid of my ringworm.
K. Teresi
07.21.17

I don't have a side hustle because – there is no hustle.
C. Boyer, on frequency of side hustle
07.21.17

Robert Lee Camp! Where is he now? Should we look him up on Facebook? Do you think he’s on Linkedin?
C. Boyer, in all earnestness
07.22.17

What’s a beignet? Isn’t that a soldier’s pointy gun?
T. Klotz, reading a breakfast menu
07.23.17

Lettuce wants you to cry so you grow more lettuce. 
M. Mack
07.24.07

Your feet are like fleshy ground axes. Use them.
B. Zimmerman
07.27.17

I watch a lot of motorcycle death videos.
A. Horner, naming Asia as the most dangerous place to drive a motorcycle
08.03.17

Do you know what I love watching? People flipping jeeps, which is a really common thing.
J. Becker, on YouTube compilation videos
08.03.17

When you beg to differ you better get it just right.
A. Augustin
08.05.17

There’s no slumbering libido in him.
J. Messersmith, on probability of Fred Armisen's asexuality
08.06.17

Thanks, Molly. I appreciate the mustard.
K. Savela, dressing a brat
08.07.17

Yep. I have it. And I might be contagious, so watch out.
K. Savela, on e. coli
08.07.17

Dirty bird, get out of my car.
T. Silver, to a mosquito
08.11.17

We get in our own way sometimes, and sometimes we don’t realize until after.
T. Silver
08.11.17

It’s a wheelchair fest. The mecca wheelchair haven, maybe.
M. Blumenberg
08.12.17

-- and i know how to use it. 6 appeal.
C. Kluge, revealing a 6 of hearts
08.13.17

There is a difference. One painted their face.
J. Schmuck, on the difference between magicians and clowns
08.13.17

Clowns are magicians with their face painted, is what you’re trying to say.
C. Kluge
08.13.17

Michael Cera legs.
A. Horner
08.18.17

Fear Factor shoulda been sticking your tongue in the finger hole of a bowling ball. 
P. Jones
08.18.17

Molly and Alex flew to that wedding so they could go with us to see the eclipse! It’s so much pressure!
J. Becker, on the second generation of his and A. Horner's first friend date: A mistaken trip to the Hot Air Balloon Festival on the wrong weekend
08.20.17

I think it comes down to neighborhood zoning and shit. 
C. Mastel, on being assigned saint names during adolescence
08.23.17

Are you farting or is that me? Our farts smell exactly the same.
B. Hill, to Scout
08.25.17

She’s straight out of Garden State.
V. Kraus
08.25.17

If we all get snowmobiles we can really cover our bases on this whole weather thing. 7 months of possible hang time. Or brunch is in season all year I suppose.
T.C. Worley
08.27.17

Thats a lotta livin' for two days.
I. O'neill, on J. Pierson's 2-day second date
08.31.17

Ignore the shiny stuff, crows of Questar.
C. Busse
09.01.17

I can go without mustard now and then. Thats just the strength of my character.
V. Kraus, on splitting pronto pups with S. Cyr at the Minnesota State Fair
09.04.17

I honestly just really loved drawing Pooh skinny. Kinda gaunt.
P. Jones
09.05.17

I can taste the Ziplock.
J. King, anti plastic snack baggies
09.07.17

I love a good bruise.
A. Babineau
09.09.17

Skrillex is the Tim McGraw of techno.
I. Babineau
09.09.17

I mean… they’re definitely swept daily. 
J. Schmuck, on birds that fly into the glass windows of US Bank Stadium
09.11.17

Fooled me, vegetable world.
N. Michaels, mistaking a sweet potato for a carrot
09.14.17

I’m misunderstanding the situation. Are you for the state fair – or against it?
J. Ameel
09.15.17

I wanna be a bread vessel someday.
V. Kraus
09.15.17

I can’t wait to get this toothbrush in my mouth.
Y. Pietras
09.16.17

S. Cyr: I haven't dated men since 2007. 
L. St. Clair: So you're a 10-year-old lesbian.
S. Cyr: Thank you SO much. 
09.23.17

Saw a picture on Facebook and thought: "God damn his head has no edges!"
B. Zimmerman, on those with oval shaped heads
09.24.17

Hates mushrooms. Passionate about tuba. 
J. Faust
09.27.17

Royalty toes. In my family we call them 'tingers' – toe fingers.
K. Battarbee
09.27.17

That is dumb. I have such a big mouth – if i only had half of one I’d never find it and never taste it.
S. Cyr, on Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
10.10.17

I feel like some of the girls I work with wear toe rings. Like, year-round stuff.
S. Cyr
10.10.17

I knew her only as a bathroom friend.
K. Dahl
10.11.17

Oh, yeah! They had that in Dr. Lebowski.
M. Thompson, intending The Big Lebowski
10.15.17

Like a tree; I will forget a tree is alive so many times.
D. Savela, on sentient beings
10.17.18

When is the last time you saw an actual mail truck? Everything is a minivan, and they’ve really let themselves go.
C. Boyer, on the United States Postal Service
10.21.17

It’s an edge getter-offer.
T. Silver
10.21.17

I went to Azkaban once.
M. Legan, meaning Alcatraz
10.25.17

Does it really matter what size the octopus salad is?
Lyft Driver Thomas
10.25.17

It was the most expensive sound I've ever heard.
M. Hubbard, damaging a rental car in France
10.25.17

I’ve never heard of it, and I watch a lot of The Price is Right.
V. Kraus
10.27.17

Sitting in hot water is my passion.
V. Kraus
10.28.17

It’s like I have a bunch of soggy bread in my mouth.
A. Koch with marbles in her mouth, so to speak
10.29.17

I don’t really wanna eat stranger butt cake.
A. Hlebaen
10.29.17

Jessica Simpson found an unlikely ally in me. Who cares if she didn’t realize Chicken of the Sea is tuna?
C. McNamara
11.01.17

Isn’t that the hardest word to say? “Mitsubitsi”. I could never own one because I can’t even say it.
A. Augustin, on Mitsubishi
11.23.17

I mean, I like hugging my buds. My point is: I hugged her seven times last night and him about four.
S. Cyr
11.26.17

That has to be the worst. Finding out that your dentist is a serial killer — and knowing his hands were in your mouth??
A. Horner
12.03.17

We’re not a long hair family.
J. Faust
12.05.17

I asked Alex for a paper towel and he gave me a dirty one.
S. Cyr, upon being asked where to find paper towel
12.08.17

Birds choosing to run rather than fly is really delightful to me
D. Harvey
12.11.17

To that end, it’s practically a nipple.
M. Pearson, on outie bellybuttons
12.12.17

My glasses fall off every time I wear lamb coat.
M. Legan
12.17.17

*J. Thompson's wedding band flies off while speaking with his hands*
M. Thompson: Was that your wedding ring?
J. Thompson: My hands are cold.
M. Thompson: You just lost our love!
12.17.17

I saw the new Star Wars on Thursday and I didn’t like it – so ever since then I’m just waiting to die. People that really like it are wrong, but I'm glad they like it. At least someone’s enjoying it.
A. Griendling
12.17.17

This truly is a bisque. It earned the Q-U-E.
V. Kraus, on tomato bisque at Lynhall
12.20.17

We didn’t even get bonuses this year! Because they gave it to cancer. Which i’m fine with.
V. Kraus
12.21.17

At my old job, we called it 'lawyer popcorn'. People would tip each other off when it came. Like: "Lawyer popcorn's here." 
L. St. Clair, on holiday popcorn tins from vendors
12.21.17

Every single person could bring taco dip – and still, it would all be gone.
Z. Carlstrom
12.21.17

One of my lifelong dreams is to get in the SNL wig closet.
K. Teresi
12.21.17

Stand up, please. Papa makes me go home.
An inebriated M. Flaa
12.23.17

What i’m really looking forward to is feeding these to camels.
B. Horner, on pellets made from organic bottles
12.28.17

Smuggle into the rectums of another prisoner.
A. Horner, on unique ways to break out of prison
12.28.17

Katy is again talking as if our house is just cat piss and shit and that's just not true. 
J. Eschweiler
12.31.17