BEST OF 2014

like, “mom will appreciate that i like an old recipe of hers. she will also appreciate that i’m trying to be an adult that brings apps to a party”. but, no: “google it.” that’s such a fragile phrase. it’s prickly. you have to say it with finesse.
c. boyer
12.31.2014

i can’t just unbutton my pants, say, “too many cookies”, and have people not be weirded out. also i won’t be wearing pants, so there is that.
l. st clair
12.30.2014

make like a breach baby and back out.
c. mcnamara
12.23.2014

i don’t have calves. i have cows.
h. munro
12.18.2014

what are these – hand emojis??
b. hickey, observing sign language
12.16.2014

do you take it by the mouth?
c. boyer, delivering cookie dough in the style of communion
12.15.2014

makes me wanna hold my boobs and keep them safe.
l. st clair, reacting to the term “suckling” 
12.10.2014

that’s why i didn’t like college; because of the terrible lighting.
a. horner
12.7.2014

she’s the only person i know who can gulp potty.
i meant to say: “gulp coffee, straight from the pot” 
11.13.2014

i hate how easily they’re amused by flashing lights and slot machines.
j. eschweiler
10.27.2014

men want me. women want to be me.
c. kluge
10.24.2014

Ps. You’re and chairs boyfriends are not invited the gang misses you two so no baggage lol
text from b. dondero
10.23.2014

there’s nothing more pathetic than a man in search of a meeting.
c. mcnamara
10.22.2014

what kind of monster would play god like this? this is some human centipede shit.
j. becker, on a hybrid lego-k'nex set
10.16.2014

by ‘madness’, we’re thinking more along the lines of rabid.
h. munro, on march madness themes
9.29.2014

jupiter!      mars!      april!
m. treyhey, responding to “it’s a planet” while playing catch phrase
9.20.2014

have you met anyone from vermont? they are the crunchiest.
l. st clair
9.19.2014

i revealed myself like a gentleman.
j. becker
9.17.2014

zebras are nature’s UPC codes.
c. macnamara  
9.15.2014

*whispers* i’ll show you my bag video after this.
a. horner, watching american beauty  
9.13.2014

you should’ve seen the moth that flew out of the bookcase today. it was the size of a barbie doll head.
k. savela
9.12.2014

of course i’m in it! i didn’t knit this whole sweater for someone else to wear.
m. benninghoffen, on the play he wrote
9.11.2014

life *is* all-terrain.
h. munro
9.11.2014

at this point, all of the power couples of port [washington] have been solidified, shaping the social landscape in a way that probably makes home visits a lot less fun.
j. eschweiler, on thanksgiving eve at the bars
9.8.2014

you can still have a ton of fun – but you won’t feel good about it.
a. horner, comparing reno : las vegas :: chuck e cheese : dave & buster’s
9.5.2014

the stuff we do in the bathrooms never seems to go over well.
r. gibson
8.28.2014

ohh – i get it. ‘cuz of the licking.
uncle jay, on the term “philatelist” 
8.22.2014

what color do they taste like?
a. horner
8.21.2014

maybe if you jog hard enough, it’ll fall out.
h. munro, on ovarian cysts
8.19.2014

(c. boyer) i wore glasses for a week and tried to convince everyone.
(a. babel) i tried parting my hair in the middle for a week. it sucked.
8.17.2014

railroad ties. i love the smell of railroad ties.
n. mihalevich
8.16.2014

people really come out of the woodwork when their favorite porn star gets beat up.
j. eschweiler
8.13.2014

mully and sculder
c. kluge, on x files
8/10/2014

my dad stunted my social growth because he was racist against the japanese and didn’t let me play poke'mon.
j. schmuck
8.9.2014

the black dancy troupe.
r. anhorn
8/3/2014

you’ve got a thing about your face.
l. st clair
8.2.2014

i was trying to figure out if there were more tears or blood on my face.
c. baertlein
8.1.2014

german sounds so ….cacophonic.
c. welsh
7.31.2014

where’d you go?? i turned around to say something about manatees and you weren’t there.
h. munro
7.29.2014

do their kids have webbed toes?
j. schmuck
7.25.2014

the only thing worse than having a mammogram is having it in the parking lot of the place where you work.
h. munro
7.23.2014

so, with siri as my scribe, i texted him at 3am to explain the dream.
c. boyer
7.21.2014

their map tools are excellent, and the interactive forecast table is everything i’ve ever dreamed of.
j. eschweiler, on wunderground.com
7.21.2014

when i said that, your father looked at me like i had three heads.
j. pearson
7/7/2014

well, i told him: 'we definitely need to get married before hay fever season.’
g. safstrom
6.7.2014

i had a creative director who used to draw tiny dicks on the headlines he liked. so, yeah, instead of checkmarks, stars, or circles… tiny dicks.
a. zetzman
5.12.2014

i don’t know him that well. i didn’t know he was gonna wear oakley’s.
c. boyer
5.10.2014

no, no, no – i can drive my own phone.
c. boyer
5.10.2014

oh – and josh keenan keeps threatening to poop his pants if the minnesota wild break their streak.
c. boyer
5/1/2014

you always wondered, but you never REALLY wanted to know.
c. boyer, on severed cat tails
5.1.2014

you mean mouth janitors?
j. lukas, on dental hygienists
4.23.2014

i’m not a lunch person. i have a protein shake in the morning, and that tides me over. then by 4 o'clock, i’m ready to eat my own shoes.
j. borchardt
4.23.2014

if you dragging you across the street is like a princess, then yes.
d. mccabe, upon being asked if he carried clare home 'like a princess’
3.30.2014

at least we can look outside to see it. she was working from a windowless office. that would make me want to kill myself every day.
c. bergeron, on snow
3.27.2014

i’m most concerned that she’s double spacing her lines.
l. st. clair, reacting to an email fwd
3.26.2014

my god. is THAT place a cougar zoo…
g. geitzenauer, on champps restaurant
3.24.2014

i know which bird you mean. the one that goes, 'yoo-hoo’?
a. horner
3.23.2014

the day i flew to germany, a plane went missing.
k. savela
3.21.2014

you should get a WWJD bracelet – and i don’t mean 'J’ for 'jesus’.
j. eschweiler
3.19.2014

oh well. wasn’t meant to be. we’re poaching the same crop now.
b. zimmerman, on ellen page coming out
3.18.2014

i would totally date a beard.
c. boyer
3/9/2014

so they can have a baby, but we can’t get a bunny?
j. spencer
3.8.2014

we’re a killer team. jenny orders stuff, i pay for it.
c. kluge
3.8.2014

i just have a bad taste in my mouth. it’s, salty. like, really salty. so salty.
j. spencer
3.8.2014

when i imagine his brain, i imagine that there are bugs flying around in it.
c. boyer
3.5.2014

just chop me up and turn me into something special.
a. horner’s last will & testament
2.28.2014

dog bites can heal you.
c. welsh
2.27.2014

i’m so glad we’re all on the same page about hot dogs.
c. boyer
2.25.2014

i appreciate a safe environment to throw in.
c. boyer, at dodgeball
2.25.2014

make it out of potato vodka.
j. schmuck, on bloody mary recipe
2.23.2014

who knows? it was one of those faceless person dreams.
c. boyer
2.23.2014

one of those born-again virgins.
r. armstrong
2.22.2014 

you really do have significant fingers. 
a. bergeron
2.1.14

three faces to the wind. 
in memoriam of c. bergeron’s dad
2.1.14

ooh, that really chaps my ass. 
a. horner
2.2.14

he threw it at me like a poke'mon. 
c. boyer, on dodgeball technique
2.2.14

funny thing is, the guy that did the hiring is the guy i have to consult for my semester project. i could go in and blow his socks off – and then snobbishly say, “hey man, you could have had all this!” and throw my hands up and down the length of my body like some jilted lover. 
b. zimmerman
2.5.14

this is why people who have tvs in their room don’t have sex. you forget that you’re …alive.
l. st. clair
2.6.14

i’ve been thinking today. is the mona lisa smiling? 
t. franklin
2.7.14

man, i hope my daughter’s a lesbian.
n. mihalevich
2.7.14

i came home from vietnam and said something like: “pass the fucking peas”. 
d. augustin
2.14.14

is 'turtle flambeau’ a game, or a dish?
d. pearson
2.15.14

there’s nothing worse than a bear running after you – but a bear on fire? just pissed off, knows its gonna die anyway…
a. horner
2.15.14

we hates ellipses. we hates them forever. 
a. zetzman
2.19.14

bashful cabbage. smudged liver. 
a. horner
1.2.14

i just ruined my 3rd birthday. 
a. horner, dismantled vhs in hand
1.6.14

saw you played the 'miss misery’ song by elliot smith and at first glance i thought you were playing a missy elliot song. 
b. zimmerman
1.7.14

and my mom was really worried because i got them …in my area. 
m. boyer, on chicken pox
1.11.14

honeydew is the poor man’s cantaloupe. 
c. boyer
1.18.14

let’s play a game with our mouths. 
t. klotz
1.25.14

cuppa jeff.
t. klotz
1.25.14

fancy alcoholic. 
j. sandlin
1.26.14

just the same tropical bullshit. 
j. lukas, on trolli eggs
1.28.14