best of 2022
“This break has been good for me. I typically get caught up in the squirrelly Sundays.”
“God, grant me the serenity of a capybara in a bath.”
“Yeah? He seems like the kinda guy who’d rip the head off a baby bird?”
“Kelli, please provide your own egg. I want you to be carrying it in a crossbody satchel.”
1.13.22
“Looks like you were found at the bottom of the river.”
“Oh I AM a little Yankee boy.”
“Just a cute li’l bump of opioid dissociation.”
“Metal has its place but not all metal is equal.”
“We are knee-deep in baby goats.”
“What if Earth is just a ride aliens can take?”
“Oh, Alexis; they’re gonna build STATUES of you!”
“It was very fun but I did lose my mittens that night.”
“For being a li’l vegan Jew he is quite the ham.”
“Oh, this is fun, let’s share pants.”
“They look meaty. I mean I feel bad saying it but I see that body and I think: Man, I bet that would make a tasty sandwich.”
“Why is this romantic? It’s like—welcome home to this MESS.”
“I just don’t want those hot amoebas in me.”
“I was never shorted any cream pies.”
“And instead of allowing us to be our own people he forced us to go with him to Menards.”
“Some people just look like they’re meant to be a wax figure.”
“You’re such a soft hog.”
“How could you take the joy out of pancakes?!”
“A lot of my clothes are unfortunately just bad decisions.”
“If I had my druthers I’d show the withers.”
“And then she married that kook… Kahn-yuh.”
“Yeah I thought so. You got a spooky special.”
“Spry, for me, is for when you’re impressed by an old person.”
“Probably from being genetically decrepit.”
“I mean—red? I dunno. Newborns look like skinned rabbits to me.”
“That house has been a revolving door of punks for a decade.”
“She comes from money but she doesn’t have any.”
“Studio. I want that lighting.”
“She drank SIX tinies. I counted every one.”
“You know what else is disturbing? That the devil parked his ass in Chicago today.”
“You never know when Jim Henson’s gonna come out as a dog-kicker.”
6.16.22
“You can set it up so when someone posts that brand it gives you a little tickle! A little tickler.”
“Did you get any endorphins from the ride?”
“Endorsements?”
“When I hear the name Roethel I hear Lucifer.”
“Al, you’re supposed to be Bo Peep-ing us.”
“It’s like Phish for people who wear black.”
“I will work hard, and play moderately.”
“My gratitude journal turned into a shame journal.”
“Nothing says healing like corn dogs.”
“Have you ever seen a sad dog with wheels? No, you haven’t.”
“That kid owns me. And my brain.”
“When I picture upstate New York I see men in salmon pants.”
“The speedwriting cursive I is not a little sailboat.”
“Yes, their famous behinds are slipping away too.”
“Your vibe is dead echinacea.”
“What do you have to do wrong at an orgy to not be invited back?”
“Whenever I go on Pinterest I’m always offended by the targeted ads.”
“Lisa Frank?? Is that, like, Anne Frank’s mom?”
“I have a strong potato family.”
“They are treating her like she was a quadriplegic!”
“Isn’t the McRib always back?”
“This was maybe our third date. Too soon to be pulled into a cult.”
“Honestly I don’t know anything about Tom Thumb.”
“I’m a major slapper. It’s a huge problem.”
“Ashtray Marilyn Monroe.”
“When I was little my mom got a hot glue gun and I remember thinking: Wow. Elegant.”
“Roz would turn into a piece of jerky.”
“As an anglophile I am a staunch anti-monarchist.”
“You know, if this week was a monster it’d be a face-sucking alien.”
“We’re just tryna get as much peanut butter in him as we can.”
“It’s the Ford Fiesta of airplanes.”
“This is the kind of olive oil you could sip like fine wine.”
“Does anyone in this room take magnesium?”
“Not unless I wanna crap my brains out.”
“‘Til the cacaos come home.”
“I have a whole bottle of Mexican mayonnaise. Brand new.”
“What’s special about it?”
“It has lime in it.”
“Please don’t say that. It has slime??”
“Oooh, the Speedy 500!”
“We are just kids in adult bodies. ”
“Anybody wanna learn how to set up a tarp?”
“Sounds like a good way to get that grilled cheese movin’ through my gut.”
“Do they still do that Dick TV thing [on New Year’s Eve]?”
“The Dick Clark Show?”