BEST OF 2018

I was trying to tell my friend via text: The tribal music. It hits me at the very core of my being. 
J. Eschweiler, January 1

I had THE BEST idea. But I said it before I was ready to talk and I have a bit of chewing left to do. 
S. Cyr, January 1

Can we just ponder for a second the evolution of the human race?
J. Eschweiler, January 1

Benevolent nihilism. 
J. Eschweiler describing A. Horner, January 1

I love secret alcohol. It always tastes better when nobody knows. 
Z. Carlstrom, January 3

I'm not too picky. I like all food and I can't imagine limiting myself without choices.
L. St. Clair, January 4

This may get lost in translation, but just imagine Suz delivering this with full seriousness out of absolutely nowhere:
"I forgot to mention my other resolution for the year; I want to learn how to do the splits." 
V. Kraus, January 4

Remember that pizza night when we gave you the milk rag?
K. Teresi to A. Horner on touching one's eyes after cutting hot peppers, January 4

Siri: Remind me in 13 years about Veronica's third bat mitzvah. 
A. Koch, January 4

At that point you could probably just buy dildo candles. Well, I guess they'd just be called "penis candles".
A. Horner art directing next year's Hanukkah for Veronica, January 4

I don't feel it would be wasted. By "wasting" I mean something I can't eat.
L. St. Clair on unused makeup, January 4

We don't need no pumpkin-headed child!
D. Pearson, January 5

We can tell that just by looking at your sweater, Ann. 
R. Hinsenkamp in response to A. Augustin having never owned a Louis Vuitton handbag, January 6

D. Ansay: Do you watch The View? 
M. Augustin: Do you? 
D. Ansay: I'd rather have my teeth pulled outta my head without Novocaine. 
January 6

I feel like she'd take way too long in the bathroom. 
S. Cyr on having Mariah Carey for a roommate, January 7

Italian sausage, for me, is like mother's milk. 
Z. Carlstrom, January 9

If we move there and we're like, "This place is a godless sinhole," we'll just move back. 
L. St. Clair on New York City, January 9

It sounds like a bird with a cold.
K. Teresi blending a malt, January 10

They have toast and also raw toast. 
C. Muhar, January 11

I know I'm small, but I'm not dainty. 
L. St. Clair, January 14

I ate so much cheese and butter, my shoes were too tight at the end of the night. 
L. St. Clair, January 14

Here's what you need to do: Learn your trigger foods. Learn what gives you gas. Do not eat those.
L. St. Clair, January 18

Oh, it's fine – I just don't have access to a lot of cats.
K. Battarbee requiring a feline for an audition, January 24

The other night, Hadley whispered to me: 
"I can't be your little girl forever, mom. Are you going to cry, mom?" 
V. Johnson, January 20

Where were you with horses and a trolley?
L. St. Clair, January 31

You know when someone says "You're gonna love it," and they're talking about running? 
L. St. Clair, January 31

L. St. Clair: Who wrote "A BLOW J"?
V. Kraus referring to S. Cyr: A queer woman.
February 2

He's a professional, and he's worn heels enough to know. 
V. Kraus recalling Prince's Superbowl halftime show
February 4

That'd be great to have on your resume: "Built walkway for J. Lo." 
A. Horner, February 4

I told a friend we were moving here and she was like, "Aren't you worried about living in Logan Park? There are a lot of drug deals around there." And I said, "That's fine, and sometimes it's for me!" 
S. Cyr, February 4

The Tide ads keep rolling in. 
V. Kraus watching Superbowl LII, February 4

Too bad ear nibblin' ain't an Olympic sport. 
J. Horner assigning Olympic events to a greyhound, a plott hound, a redbone coonhound, and a mutt, February 11

It's right at the angle, in a nice way. 
I. Babineau complimenting a nail sticking out of the wall, February 14

S. Cyr: I know all the words to "Sold" by John Montgomery.
A. Koch: I mean, I know all the words to "My Humps," but that makes sense.
February 21

That's one of my greatest fears: a spinal injury. The second is being lactose intolerant. 
M. Pearson, March 3

Every sock I have is a 10. 
T. Klotz admiring a pair of Wigwam socks on her feet, March 6

I love meeting smart people who are Southern. 
N. Mihalevich, March 11

The toy fair is crazy. Definitely more security than I expected. 
P. Jones, March 18

Deep dish is the purest form of me. 
Z. Carlstrom on Chicago pizza, March 21

Pansies do kinda seem like bitches, though. 
C. Boyer on facial expressions seen on flowers in Alice in Wonderland, March 24

I've been known to put down a beef sheet or two. 
J. Becker, March 23

You're talking about being the president. He's talking about being the president's barber. 
S. Cyr, March 24

He air raped you!
V. Kraus on S. Cyr's tandem skydiving instructor, March 25

I hate to discourage you, but the texture is the consistency of your tongue.
A. Augustin offering beef liver to A. Horner, March 30

I can hardly wait to paint the head of this pecker.
A. Augustin restoring a 2D wooden woodpecker, March 30  

Just search "pimped popple". 
A. Horner instructing a Youtube search for pimple popping, March 31

What?? Who is texting you daytime dick pics?
S. Cyr, April 4

It's got that ‘60s jangle. 
V. Kraus on Madonna's "Beautiful Stranger", April 8
 
A. Chlebeck: I'm not a very good speller. 
V. Kraus: Suzy spelled "boner" with an O. 
E. Pierson: Two Os. 
April 14

What?! I leave for three months and Party City closes down?!
C. Boyer, April 20

I got hit on yesterday at the co-op by an older Hungarian woman. She's from Budapest. I got her number.
E. Pierson, April 29

People do hate it. It's the fruitcake of all meals. 
B. Volpone on meatloaf, May 2

Yes, I was looking for knives in the dark. 
S. Cyr, May 2

What are you talking about, dude?! Get close to me and I will throw something at you.
N. Mihalevich on sting hits with a hacky sack, May 6

Bobby Moynihan looks like a chinchilla. 
D. Pearson, May 12

Thank you for showing me what's happening under the sunglasses. 
M. Ruhlach, May 17

Do you want my remains? 
L. Crawford offering her leftovers, May 19

I kept my wiener in my pants for the first two days.
B. Hill, May 20

Having a big straw hat definitely changed my life, too. 
S. Cyr, May 26

Go back from wench you came!
V. Kraus, May 26

Remember: I did provide a water report. 
A. Horner on lake temperature, May 26

It's ancient Vegas. 
Y. Pietras on risqué Pompeii, May 26

It's a 10-minute oopsie-daisy. 
V. Kraus on missing a highway exit in the state of Minnesota, June 2

That car has Resting Bitch Face; is that what you're trying to say?
S. Cyr, June 3

And he was – how do you they it? Burning both ends of the candlestick.
L. O'Meara, June 2

Does she tickle her own ivories? ...someone else do that for her?
V. Kraus, June 2

She's never ripped my seam once. 
V. Kraus on S. Cyr's keen ability to remove clothing tags without damaging the item, June 3

Six packs are for Baby Boomers. 
S. Tongola categorizing terms for toned abdominal muscles, June 8

Want to know something about Kid Rock?
L. O' Meara, June 8

Every summit has a snack. 
K. Savela, June 9

Please put her in a box with air holes and breastmilk and send her to me. 
K. Teresi eager to meet a newborn, June 14

How weird can a bouncy house get, right?
C. Brink, June 20

I've got a story. I've got the dirtiest fucking sheet story you've ever heard in your entire life. 
A. Horner recalling the bed linens at a Haitian sex hotel, June 22

Y'know, I've never really explored the butthole.
M. Legan, June 23

This is the dirty kitchen spinoff of Chopped. 
Z. Carlstrom describing Netflix's High Cooking, June 25

Would you let yourself go for a year just to hang with them for the makeover?
L. St. Clair watching Queer Eye, June 25

This is me putting it all out there: Still playing Pokémon Go. 
E. Schleicher on the circumstances for running into a recent acquaintance, July 6

K. Battarbee: You have something between your legs.
M. Holdhausen: It's the tape from the meat platter!
#2Madams1Love, July 3

I'm sorry, but you can't fake a handicap. People don't like that.
V. Kraus on wearing glasses without the clinical need for corrective lenses, July 13

My sister's llama HATED HER.
C. Dischinger, July 18

Zack is a snake charmer to all dads. 
L. St. Clair, July 20

I bet Shakira can rock a fart. 
I. O'Neill, July 22

I dreamt that I got the worst haircut of my life; so bad that I had to check when I woke up.
A. Horner, August 10

This may sound crazy, but I think ramps have superpowers.
M. Legan heralding a species of wild onion, August 10

Once you understand the world of vinegars, your life is never boring again.
K. Savela on rotating salad dressings, August 10

Timbaland and Nelly Furtado; the power couple nobody asked for but everyone loved.
J. Wenzell, August 11

I have a haircut next week and until then I can't stop messing with my mullet-y ducktail.
R. Armstrong, August 15

Let me into your closet, Suzy. I will find your color palette.
R. Armstrong, August 15

They have historically over-seasoned the kale EVERY TIME.
D. Couet, August 28

I used to do M-70s as a kid.
A. Horner, September 2

And you mean to tell me you’ve been selectively picking my butt jokes?
P. Schaefer, September 8

Adventure for your dad is, like, pushing dinner to 7:00.
A. Horner, September 8

I don’t know that I’ll ever experience that; the butt plug.
M. Legan, September 8

Mama needs her biscuit buttered.
R. Armstrong, September 14

Isn’t that Alicia Silverspoon?
A. Horner prophesizing a hybrid celebrity of Alicia Silverstone and Reese Witherspoon.

Weighing 70 mice and changing their cages is all that stands between me and you.
K. Teresi, November 2

You guys were a disappointment with the flute.
A. Augustin to her three daughters, November 22

Prison is a lifestyle choice now?
C. McNamara, November 29

I play Barbie doll dress-up with my fake internet things.
A. Griendling, December 2

It squirts a pus alternative.
A. Horner describing simulated pimple-popping videos, December 2

That trailer could shit a Chevette.
E. Olson, December 5

The first lo mein you ever eat is always the best. I love that shit.
E. Janisch recalling the dearly departed China King, December 5

C. McNamara: My eyelashes are the longest hair on my body.
R. Dupre: It’s a little uncomfortably graphic for me.
B. Edwards: At least he didn’t say ‘second longest’.
December 10

Is this a reference to the birthday parties my parents threw for me while I was growing up? It was just them inviting their friends over to eat a giant 6-foot Subway sub I literally never had a bite of. Every birthday, that damn sub.
J. Becker, December 17

Besides, no one uses that term anymore. What – are we in a hospital?
A. Yunis on saying “penis”, December 20

They’d better sell dramamine in hell.
K. Teresi, December 21

It’s a ‘70s way to express ‘pizza’.
S. Horner on neighborhood pizzeria typeface, December 26