BEST OF 2015
i’ve got some fresh, wet clay just waitin’ to get played with.
a. horner
1.9.2015
you probably know more white people than you know words.
j. becker
1.9.2015
as if those tweets weren’t the helium of the day.
l. st clair
1.14.2015
wolf in a sheep’s costume.
a. horner
1.16.2015
there’s nothing like a couple of quotation marks to elbow you in the ribs for a double-meaning.
c. mcnamara
1.20.2015
we were more of a taco john’s family.
l. st clair
1.27.2015
so if you ever wanna start a business, get a mushroom farm.
w. blumenberg
1.27.2015
my dad went through a phase of only listening to experimental jazz — so i have a seriously high tolerance for weird shit, because some of that is unlistenable.
l. st clair
1.29.2015
like an elephant on lsd.
a. horner, describing experimental jazz
2.1.2015
it’s ‘friar’.
a. horner, setting us straight on what "Fr." stands for at a catholic wedding ceremony
2.2.2015
she loves little dogs. she thinks they’re delicious.
h. munro
2.4.2015
this is the size of a western digital 2-terabyte portable drive.
a. horner, 1st gen ipod in hand
2.13.2015
you read that you eat eight mice in your sleep every year.
j. becker
2/13/2015
the security footage looks like it was shot with, like, a potato.
j. becker
2.14.2015
sneezus christ!
a. horner, excusing his own sneeze
2.17.2015
i've never seen so many dogs on mopeds or so many people try to sell chad marijuana. don't worry, we didn't buy any – dogs or weed.
j. schmuck
2.18.2015
microfiber is the bubonic plague of craigslist furniture.
a. horner
2.18.2015
no, no – you just relax your tired body. i’m gonna make you some carrots.
a. horner
2.23.2015
as we know, print is a part of our lives and our history. the award for best use of a spot varnish goes to…
c. mcnamara, on the PIM (Printing Industry of Minnesota) awards
2.26.2015
dear alley cat. why did they call you that?
j. blumenberg, on a. augustin’s high school nickname
3.9.2015
this is totally like monopoly. look at the little houses.
t. klotz, playing settlers of catan for the first time
3.13.2015
i just rip the little knuckle in there.
j. becker, deboning two hot wings with his teeth
3.13.2015
molly’s nippin’ – wait, i didn’t finish the phrase – nippin’ at my heels.
a. horner, scattegories point update
3.14.2015
bumbleclot.
a. horner, wrongly recalling the bumble from rudolph the red nosed reindeer
3/14/2015
save it up, and don’t flush when you leave.
r. dupre, on revenge
3.17.2015
i don’t have a problem with jewish comedies. i have a problem with anxious jewish comedies.
a. richey / grinch, on seinfeld, curb your enthusiasm, broad city, and woody allen films
3.17.2015
they could replace the susan b. anthony with her.
d. savela, on carrie brownstein
3.23.2015
i’m not gonna try to steal for 400 points. that’s like beating up a homeless guy for his wallet.
d. savela, playing farkle
3.26.2015
it was like blowing a dandelion.
d. savela, remembering his first facial shave
3.27.2015
i don’t think he’s completely black.
d. savela, on stevie wonder's degree of blindness
3.28.2015
molly, what’s nice about your line of work – and what’s nice about being your gender in your line of work – is that, at the end of the day, you can just pack up and say, “well; that’s all she wrote”.
c. mcnamara
4.2.2015
have you ever seen her on a talkshow? she has creepy emu eyes.
l. rooney, on ashley judd
4.8.2015
i love the amount of times we’ve said ‘film’ while describing angels in the outfield.
j. becker
4.8.2015
remember: half of our job title is ‘copy’.
c. mcnamara
4.9.2015
quit tampering with the world.
al augustin, to ann augustin on her matchmaking attempts
4.10.2015
getting that ol’ camera shoved up your rectum ain’t exactly like sucking on a lollipop.
b. zimmerman
4.14.2015
it’s like wearing a kitten.
h. munro on cashmere sweater, stated through gritted teeth.
4.16.2015
when did our feet turn into adult feet?
b. becker
4.17.2015
sell it on craigslist!
j. torres, on what to do with a used diva cup
4.19.2015
leaving me alone with cheesecake is like leaving a baby alone with cheerios. i’ve peeked at it multiple times.
a. horner
4.21.2015
yeah – i wouldn’t wear it.
a. horner, on blue eyeshadow
4.21.2015
i'm wearing khakis on a friday, and people are like, "why are you so dressed up?"
c. kluge
4.24.2015
everyone’s dogs are named, like, 'elizabeth' and 'charles' – and then we have human babies called 'apple'.
k. skaken
4/25/2015
it takes me back to an era i wasn’t born in.
c. boyer
4.26.2015
that’s an oxymoron: ‘young hipster jews’.
r. gibson
4.27.2015
they don’t want their son dating some floozy with the rickets.
h. munro, on the importance of vitamins
4.29.2015
f’ed in the tookus.
a. horner
4.29.2015
i don’t claim ignorance. ignorance claims me.
c. mcnamara
4.29.2015
the only difference between a rut and a grave is a depth of the hole.
h. munro
4.30.2015
i worry that you're not eating all of your compostable lunch, but i'm relieved you aren't storing the scraps in your cheeks.
c. mcnamara
4.30.2015
reddit does not like shaved animals.
a. horner
5.1.2015
m. augustin: i'm so hungry.
c. mcnamara: have a cookie.
m. augustin: no. i want something substantial.
c. mcnamara: have two cookies.
5.1.2015
if you haven’t noticed, i’m the ore whore. if you want it, i’ll give it out.
a. horner, playing settlers of catan
5.1.2015
yeah – ipads don’t have screens, and that’s my biggest pet peeve.
j. becker
5.1.2015
i ate my steak with my hands, like a big ol’ meat cookie.
j. becker
5.2.2015
i only heard ‘burglary slash fetish’.
s. manzano
5.8.2015
i do want one, but i’ll have it straight in the bun.
n. ryan, accepting a grilled brat
5.11.2015
yeah – like, “cheer up, saddy.”
t. born, defending his scattergories answer, ‘making fun of the sad’, to fulfill the prompt: bad habits that start with ‘M’.
5.21.2015
mom went in for a custom bra fitting and some gal manhandled her.
a. augustin
5.24.2015
he was the einstein of the time.
a. horner, on jesus
5.31.2015
you’re not pretty! you’re never gonna be pretty, and you’re stupid!
v. johnson's 4 yr-old son in meltdown mode
6.4.2015
these are foreskin pants.
b. hickey, describing his cuffed jeans
6.5.2015
she would think it’s the wood, but its not! it’s the knot!
a. horner, explaining why his DIY hammock stand broke
6.5.2015
corn dogs of the nature.
i. o’neill, on cattails
6.6.2015
i love tumblr. it is my second home. and twitter is like the bar.
l. st clair
6.12.2015
imagine dragons' lead singer is a mix between kanye and a teenage mutant ninja turtle.
c. kluge
6.19.2015
pigs eat their own shit. they have, like, 40 nipples. they’re ready for anything.
a. griendling
6.21.2015
never trust anyone who treats the female body like a clown car. like catholic men, for example.
m. griendling
6.21.2015
kittens, books, and squash: the trifecta of joyful things.
a. jones
6.23.2015
i didn’t have cable when we moved to iowa. and then my parents felt bad because we were having a hard time making friends – so they bought us cable.
l. st clair
7.2.2015
i think brian wilson’s dead.
n. mihalevich
7.3.2015
tell me more about this underground potato river.
a. griendling
7.5.2015
buster rhymes.
l. horner
7.11.2015
leave dysentery and the hand-washing of linens for the oregon trail.
a. jones
7.16.2015
i’m fighting the feminarchy.
c. mcnamara
7.17.2015
sally, you coined the phrase ‘kissing the sphinx’. just to clarify: the egyptian sphinx.
c. mcnamara
7.17.2015
if there’s one thing i should expect about a clock show, it’s that it’ll start on time.
a. horner
7.24.2015
where were you when brett favre retired? i was sobbing at work.
j. douglass
7.25.2015
what are you singing – negro spirituals??
l. horner
8.15.2015
[iMessage]
k. savela: which sister has their period and dripped it on the bathroom floor.
m. augustin: i just asked megan – neither of us have our period. also, i haven't had mine in months because of my IUD. someone mentioned that they killed a mosquito in the bathroom.
m. augustin: it is highly unlikely that it's period blood. more likely that it's mosquito blood.
k. savela: that is also true! the mosquito is nearby.
k. savela: the period is cleansing, molly. you should get it back.
9.5.2015
he’s had a toothpick in his mouth for an hour and a half. something tells me he’s pretty relaxed.
k. savela
9.12.2015
a child was playing in the balls and i stole their happy meal toy. i have that child’s bert.
k. savela, on her first memory of stealing, which happened at mcdonalds
9.12.2015
i’ve had numbered craigslist experiences, and all of them were in the winter. always make them meet in your car.
a. horner
9.12.2015
imagine how weird it would be to be a caterpillar – and then one day, out of the blue, you just get the irresistible urge to climb up a tree, hang upside down, and completely wrap yourself up.
k. teresi
9.16.2015
foldaboat? is that like origami?
9.19.2015
oh, god – you missed it. bonnie farted and we thought it was a wolf.
j. becker
9.25.2015
there was a dog who ate a babe, and dingo was his name-o.
j. becker
9.26.2015
i like getting him riled up about his sourdough starter.
a. jones
10.10.2015
just throwing this out there: maybe el toro can be involved?
j. schmuck, whenever possible
10.18.2015
what’s that tickle on the back of your neck? that’s me breathin’, baby.
t. born, defending his scattergories answer
10.30.2015
*gasp* my big dancy man came!
a. horner, upon receiving a 20' inflatable windsock
10.31.2015
since betty white is the only remaining golden girl, they changed the theme song lyrics to: ‘thank you for being alive’.
c. mcnamara
11.3.2015
if that’s whatcha got, then that’s whatcha got, and that’s whatcha do.
a. horner
11.3.2015
i didn’t learn how to whisper until i was 12.
l. landy
11.11.2015
oh, yes. she’s very invested in the yarn community.
k. teresi
11.13.2015
did you hear the circus is in town? the republican debates are in waukesha.
w. blumenberg
11.13.2015
i’ve gotta get my car looked at. teen hulk pulled off the door handle this morning.
c. mcnamara, after his son broke the car door handle
11.16.2015
he went from pharrell to steve harvey overnight.
d. savela, on nick cannon
11.26.2015
that’s what you do: grasp the nub, give it a good shake.
d. pearson, on introducing oneself to an amputee
11.26.2015
james fonda.
a. horner
11.28.2015
have you ever seen a hairnet on a lemon?
v. johnson
12.2.2015
h. halvorsen: i did see duran duran in concert once.
c. busse: you shouldn't talk about that out loud.
12.10.2015
i’ll be at home for new year’s eve. my parents and i are gonna get together, and we’re gonna watch the dick show.
t. klotz, on the dick van dyke show
12.20.2015
fat smokers have it really bad – but old fat smokers? ha! need not apply.
r. dupre, on applying for a life insurance policy
12.29.2015
it’s a scary time. like, almost scarier than night.
v. kraus, on 4:30 in the morning
12.30.2015
the great wine mishap of 15 minutes ago.
a. horner
12.31.2015