BEST OF 2016

ah, yes; the great wine mishap of 15 minutes ago.
a. horner
1.1.16

eunice's eunuch unit is useless. 
h. munro
1.11.16

i'm a sympathy puker.
j. gutz-moller
1.12.16

ann, take off that scarf. you're scaring the dog. 
a. augustin
1.15.16

pickle winkers – or winkle pickers? 
d. savela
1.15.16

i have embarrassed goosebumps right now. 
l. st. clair, observing d. trump's freedom dancers

moe, curly, and stymie. 
c. mcnamara
1.21.16

ooh, look at you. you're gonna get famous as a go-betweener. 
c. mcnamara, meaning to say 'doppelgänger' 
1.22.16

well, obviously, probably. 
s. cyr
1.23.16

that's a fantastic turning radius for a van. 
a. horner, said in earnest to uber driver
1.24.16

i'll admit it; i didn't like it when she sniffed the green beans. 
k. savela, on roz
1.27.16

ooh, look! tinkybellies.
k. savela, on teletubbies
1.27.16

eat up, chubby barbie – but pick apples for your happy meal. 
l. rooney
1.28.16

that's the sound of a nudist getting out of a leather couch. 
c. mcnamara, redefining 'smut' as an onomatopoeia

i don't like to display my gum. 
m. trehey, not a sharing mood
2.6.16

i'm already excited for reddit tomorrow. 
a. griendling, watching the super bowl
2.7.16

i could probably put it in both of you better than i could put it in myself. 
k. skahen, on the diva cup
2.13.16

i think the reason minnesotans talk the way they do is because when it's cold outside you really have to annunciate your vowels. like, "it's so cooooold". and in jamAYYca they can get crAYzAY because it's waaarm!
v. kraus
2.14.16

best mind your Ps and Qs in tijuana. 
s. horner
2.18.16

hey, guys? what time is it acceptable for derek and i to start sizzling bacon? 
k. savela
2.26.16

the chefs look like they just got out of prison. 
k. savela, on cassie's deli
2.28.16

too late. boots made from cows already. next, a hat made out of a blend of mexicans and bison. 
b. zimmerman, on becoming texan
12.29.16

charlize theron came by and she made some bacon. it was perfect. she blotted it with paper towels. 
r. dupre
3.2.16

like dobby from harry potty. 
a. horner
3.5.16

sphincter tomb. 
a. horner
3.6.16

no, no; cheese lasts a long time if you know how to eat it quickly enough. 
l. st. clair
3.6.16

what did the cheese suspect say to the investigator about the murder?
"i havarti knew her!"
what did the investigator say back?
"that's not a gouda enough answer!"
and how did the cheese suspect reply?
"ahh, she's cheddar off dead."
a. horner, original joke
3.7.16

jeepers. OS X was fighting me to the DEATH for that spelling of loungin'. 
j. becker
3.9.16

do you have a video game machine?
a. lovestrand
3.10.16

there was definitely a series of pancaking. 
e. schleicher, on sounds of lovemaking from roommate's bedroom
3.12.16

i've never done whip-its. honestly, i haven't, and i could've. i was offered free whip-its once. 
p. schaeffer
3.17.16

it's everyone's least favorite pixar movie. well, it was –– before cars 2. 
c. mcnamara, on pixar's cars
3.28.16

me: what are you doing? 
j. becker, fishing a pen into a soda can: rescuing my red vine.
4.2.16

what an amazing actor he was. 
t. leaf, on cat in the hunger games
4.4.16

were you saying thank you with one special finger? 
v. johnson, on c. mcnamara's driving habits
4.4.16

i have a complicated history with pastels. 
k. teresi
4.14.16

i love this city so much. i clench my butt cheeks every time i remember. 
t. klotz
4.15.16

yeah, like – where is the botany? 
t. klotz, criticizing the biological accuracy of a neon cactus sign. 
4.15.16

mold... is just a life form. preservatives... are chemical. 
t. klotz, getting deep on the levels of harm from ingesting mold vs. ingesting preservatives
4.15.16

big feet are a real drag sometimes. 
t. klotz, with no pun intended
4.15.16

you know what's funny? yesterday we were looking at a magazine and there was a picture of nelson mandela. and i said, "oh, look! it's steven nelson!" 
t. klotz
4.15.16

but the contractions slowed, and baby b decided to snuggle in for longer. 
b. becker, saying the cutest thing i've ever heard in my life
4.15.16

it's really hard to choose. it's really hard... because beyonce is so cool, and annuities are so lame. 
r. dupre, reviewing allianz ads for beyonce concert at TCF stadium

did you ever have to use rose art crayons? it's, like – don't make me use these. it's embarrassing. 
k. teresi
4.29.16

mmm, toast with vaseline and hair. 
d. kitzberger
5.1.16

these pants sound like i'm wearing a full diaper. 
r. dupre
5.4.16

what –– do they take a starfish and rub it against you? 
c. mcnamara, on what constitutes as an organic scrub
5.5.16

dunno. guess we have a fart ghost in here. 
r. dupre
5.7.16

my big rodent died. 
said by g. johnsen in a. horner's dream
5.11.16

then they have to name the baby 'meatloaf'. 
k. teresi, on the meatloaf being done at the same as baby becker's birth
5.12.16

it's like when you start dating someone and wear really fancy pajamas when you sleep over. 
k. teresi, on roz's "chill but cute" posture
5.12.16

that is mine now. molly gave it to me. 
j. becker, on small wooden box
5.13.16

a 12-pack of crayola is better than a 96-pack of rose art. 
k. teresi, on again about rose art
5.17.16

you know. the one that looks like a rubbed down bar of soap. half-life ivory. 
b. hickey, sharing his dislike of the chrystler sebring
5.21.16

clanky upright piano.
n. ryan, describing honky tonk music
5.21.16

she could open any can a neighbor asked. a rusty honey jar, even. 
s. manzano
5.27.16

i'm going to get a towel. this is not a hand job. 
k. savela, brushing dirt off roz
5.29.16

the well-endowed perkins flag.
v. kraus, on large flags
5.30.16

keep your spoons close; we're not done. 
b. st. clair, about to serve dessert
6.1.16

the drunker i get, the drier i get. 
l. st. clair, on her sense of humor
6.1.16

i would learn how to hack just to get in your balls. 
p. jones, to a. griendling
6.2.16

loopy fiasco. 
a. griendling
6.2.16

it's like sweet, sweet cellulite. 
a. griendling, on rice pudding
6.2.16

they looked like pieces of chewed gum. 
a. horner, on newborn hamsters
6.5.16

i used to not be very into horses, but now i'm, like, very pro-horse. 
k. teresi
6.16.16

when you think about it, legs are pretty good. 
w. denton
6.17.16

look, i'm not gonna fall over defending that truck. 
c. mcnamara, on "mater" from cars
6.21.16

that used to be my kids' favorite game: where the fuck is carmen san diego? 
c. mcnamara
6.22.16

you could get a different backpack for every season –– for 10 years. 
a. koch, on $1,000 gift card
6.26.16

what the F is going on at renaissance faire HQ? 
v. kraus
6.26.16

what do you think i'm gonna do –– kill mom? kill mom with a jart??
a. augustin, to a concerned and anti-lawn dart k. savela
7.2.16

don't you just love them? it's like a cold hug. 
d. savela, on laugh tracks
7.2.16

do you think when a horse begins its racing career, it gets a bridle shower? 
c. mcnamara
7.11.16

white anglo saxon prostitute. 
k. teresi, on what WASP stands for
7.14.16

you're supes totes prits. 
t. silver
7.23.16

i got a giant slice of pep and sausage stromboli. normally i have half a stromboli but it was a special occasion so i let myself splurge. i had just gotten out of a limo, to be fair. 
k. teresi
7.23.16

me: i can take the measurements myself. 
j. becker: not as accurately as my calipers. 
7.25.16

walter pecker's winklepickers are for picking peppers. 
c. mcnamara
8.2.16

wyoming is the state that everyone forgot about. if you want a place to hide, go to wyoming. 
t. silver
8.3.16

bald men stick together. especially if they're sweaty. 
r. dupre
8.5.16

it'd be kind of fun to kill somebody in a suit. 
k. teresi, on james bond's apparel
8.17.16

this is like wreck-it ralph's abortion. 
j. becker, on Foodfight
8.19.16

if you've been workin' on 'em, show 'em off. that's what i always say about glutes. 
j. wentzell
8.20.16

k. teresi: my dad is offended that the people in front of us are sitting on the ground.
c. teresi: because they're squatters! get outta here! move on!

it's like: why are you paying for horses when you don't have teeth?
k. teresi
8.21.16

she wanted kobe's. we all wanted kobe's. 
v. kraus
8.24.16

he was a pooping tom. 
a. horner, on man arrested for living out poop fetish by hiding beneath port-a-potty users
8.24.16

oh you stinkpot. 
g. horner
8.25.16

i'd rather be guapa than bonita.
k. savela
9.6.16

celine dion, the vegas weeper. 
c. mcnamara
9.8.16

c. mcnamara: my parents took me to see sonny and cher at the state fair in 1972.
me: how old were you?
c. mcnamara: i was 8th grade. and they wouldn't pass me the doob. 
9.9.16

if the sport coat comes out, can the sweater vest be far behind? 
c. mcnamara
9.14.16

he's so sexy i can't even text correctly. 
k. teresi
9.15.16

a. horner: have you listened to johann's new album?
l. st. clair: sebastian bach??
9.20.16

i don't feel physically bad; i just feel shlubby after. 
a. horner
9.20.16

well, there are other pickles in the sea. 
l. st. clair
9.20.16

that makes me really jealous. i wish i could have a baby. that sounds really easy. 
a. horner
9.24.16

it's an awful song – but man, it sure shows she's willing to reach across the aisle. 
v. kraus, on sheryl crowe's "picture" with kid rock
9.25.16

wouldn't you be at least a little worried about the kid who chooses to be darth vader for halloween?
d. savela
10.9.16

i had their salad bar. it was iceberg lettuce. *eye roll*
a. horner's review of menu in sparta, WI

you look like a dog who's listening to new noises. 
k. teresi, on a. horner's twitchy head
10.12.16

i'm not saying it couldn't – but it didn't. 
k. battarbee on duncan checks in
10.16.16

she makes the most delicate little poops. 
a. horner, on mabel the dog
10.26.16

i got golden grahams for breakfast and i'm never doing that again.
k. teresi
10.27.16

what is a crumpet? 
t. klotz
10.31.16

you made a dis at eggs. 
k. savela
11.3.16

just buzz in – like carmen san diego. 
j. becker
11.11.16

i would say gillian anderson's mouth is its own character. 
r. dupre
11.14.16

if texas outlives me, then there really is no god. 
a. griendling
11.20.16

a. horner: jesus was the david blaine of his time. 
s. horner: if he was as good as david blaine, people would have worshipped him. 
11.26.16

i don't know what it is about those dirty kraft singles. 
s. manzano
12.2.16

but they're socialist! i love it. 
v. kraus, about 20+ people on my family's shared phone plan
12.5.16

when i'm gone, i don't want anything special. just slather me in almond paste and lay me in the ground. 
c. mcnamara
12.8.16

she's a lumbering, arthritic beast. 
i. o'neill, describing y. pietras' cat
12.8.16

i'm so ticklish, i'd pee my pants. do they pay extra for that? 
j. becker
12.11.16

i really appreciate their selection of weights. 
m. hubbard
12.13.16

every 2 months [he] adds me on another social media platform. 
l. st. clair
12.13.16

if you were converted to pure energy, you would be roughly equivalent to 66.7 times the energy released in the atomic bombing of hiroshima. 
d. pearson calculating my mass
12.18.16

maybe the dongle ate your baby. 
v. johnson during an A/V crisis
12.21.16

these pomegranates are great for filling the bundt crack. 
k. savela, putting the finishing touches on a cake
12.25.16

you want one of these long johns? they've got beads on 'em. they're getting juicy. 
w. blumenberg, trying to pawn off old doughnuts
12.26.16

i dunno if it's the vehicles or the people that drive 'em.  
j. becker, on why jeeps are tippy
12.29.16

whoever went to alabama and found themselves winning the nobel prize? 
j. eschweiler
12.30.16